It is now June 14 and I am still in debilitating pain. My last post about this stated that the pain was severe from May 13. I had the epidural a month ago and it did no good at all. After an MRI, I found out why. It was given in the wrong place - between L4 and L5 which is where all my problems have been in the past. The problem now is between L5 and S1. I had an EMG and found that all my nerves are alive which is really great news but the ones at the base of the spine are not giving as strong a signal as they should. Looking over everything, my doctor told me no good doctor would operate on me. That made me happy. It has taken a long time but I am having one epidural tomorrow afternoon and a second one on June 29. I have real hope that these will work. I need to hope that because I am not sure there is much more that can be done. I am on gabapentin, the full dose as of yesterday. This has helped my fibromyalgia. The constant pain throughout my body doesn't exist any more. I don't know if it has helped my horrible back/leg pain at all but with that and ibuprofen, I do feel somewhat better and I was able to go out to lunch for a few days. At this point, because of the epidural, I am again unable to take it.
I have been spending a lot of time in the house. I am lucky because I do have family and friends who help my mental health. There are six examples of this. My sister sent me constant texts and pictures while on her trip east. I loved looking at them and remembering being in those same places. She had me smiling a lot. My friend in Connecticut has written emails to me every day and that has not only made me smile but made me think about so many things. My daughters always gave me encouraging words and figured out how I could make my summer trip even if I didn't get any better. And then my partner who has hardly left my side, got me all the delicious, unhealthy food I desired, sat with me when I lost it because of all the pain and has been my complete sense of strength throughout all of this. There were others also who sent me good wishes and thoughts through Facebook and I appreciate them all. I don't know what I would have done without all of this positive words and actions.
And so I now have 22 hours before I have the first shot. I am ready. And I have a positive attitude that it will help. So, anyone who reads this, please think positive thoughts toward me at 4:00 PM PDT tomorrow, June 15, because I know I will feel them. Thank you.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thoughts about Pain
Since Friday (today is Wednesday), I have been suffering with debilitating pain from my back. It feels like there is a wick in my spine that gets lit and then burns all the way down my right leg to my toes, especially burning my ankle. I have rather severe stenosis of the spine and degenerative disk disorder. This pain is severe enough that I can’t find a comfortable place to sit, stand or lay. What makes it worse is that I can take no pain medication. For some reason, my body rejects every one of them except ibuprofen which does little good. Tomorrow I am scheduled for an epidural so I can’t even take ibuprofen now. My quality of life is just about nil. I haven’t left the house since Sunday when I did go out for brunch but then came right home. I am not a stay-at-home type of person.
Today I started looking at old pictures on my computer. I have had some wonderful trips and seen many places from Halifax to Waikiki. I have been to Paris and some parts of Mexico. I have been to all 50 states including a great trip to Alaska. I have been to the Caribbean. I look at those pictures and I think that was in the past. I have had a wonderful past. But – and there is that word “but” – because of the severe pain, I have trouble seeing much of anything in my future. The epidural should help as they always have but it is not a cure and I can only have one since I had two in November and one can only have 3 in a year.
So what can I do? I read and watch TV and listen to the radio. B has been waiting on me, making all my food, helping me with every possible thing. She is an excellent caregiver but I am not terribly good at letting people help me although I have improved over the years in that area. In July I am going to Milwaukee and then taking my granddaughter to Turks and Caicos. I have to be better. The doctors tell me that the only possible cure is surgery and that is not a positive either. In my later years, surgery has given me complications and so I want to avoid that but it may be my only choice.
I recently read three books about WWII and realized how lucky I was. I was born in 1938 in Milwaukee. I could have been born somewhere in Europe and, since I am Jewish, who knows what could have happened. None of my relatives were in Europe during that time either. The luck of birth. I was also born into a family that loved children and only wanted the best for them. Another stroke of luck. I need to look at all the wonderful things in my life and there are many when something like this happens. And I have many things to look forward to as well. It is just that, at this moment, I seem to just want to wallow and try to deal with this pain until tomorrow when I will have the shot.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine’s Day and a few other “holidays”
I hate Valentine’s Day. There are a few other “holidays” that I have reservations about but none of them compare with my feelings about Valentine’s Day. I even know where that stems from – school. Every Valentine’s Day I walked to school with all my valentines – my mother made me give to everyone – and all I wanted to do was stay at home and hide under the covers. All I could think of was - what if nobody gave me a card? What if I just got a few cards while everyone else got bunches? The worst part was that my mother always included a card for me in my bag of valentines. I thought that even she thought I wasn’t going to get any valentines and so she sent one to me in that bag. As soon as I saw it, I stuffed it into my coat pocket. In reality, I always got a fair share of cards but every year I worried. So much for my self-esteem as a child and teenager. This all came back to me as a teacher when the student council sold candygrams as a fundraiser. Members of student council would come around during the day to hand out these candygrams to those who were lucky enough to be the recipients of them. As I watched the faces of expectation followed by the faces of disappointment, I was pushed right back to my youth. As an adult, I looked at Valentine’s Day as an excuse to eat candy. My husband was not a romantic but he learned soon enough that this day meant candy and a card. (Of course, he also became my ex-husband). The part of Valentine’s Day that I really loved was getting cards from my children and grandchildren that they had made. I miss that.
Another “holiday” that I have ambivalent feelings about it is Mother’s Day. Since my oldest daughter was born the end of May, I felt I missed my first Mother’s Day and was ecstatic the following year to be recognized as a mother. My sister and I always got my mother geraniums because she loved them along with a card. Again I loved the cards my kids made for me. Around 1972, I decided that I didn’t want my children to get me presents but that they should send a donation to NARAL (the National Abortion Rights League) in my name. In those days, NARAL had an ad in the paper on Mother’s Day which expressed my feelings exactly – feelings I have to this day. Children should be wanted and loved. Motherhood is great if that is what a woman wants as I did. However, every woman should have control over her own body and therefore should be able to have legal and safe abortions. I explained this to my children and they agreed with me and for many years, they sent the donations. I still ask them to do that. But I also like cards.
Which brings me to another subject – cards. I love them. I keep them. I send them – real cards not ecards which are not permanent, although I must admit I do send ecards sometimes, especially to people who seem to only send them. I display cards on my mantle and on Christmas/Chanukah on the door. I used to get cards from people for Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Christmas and Chanukah, Mother’s Day but now there are fewer of them. My daughters have received that message and I hint around my birthday and Mother’s Day and now I do get more. I really don’t care about gifts (well, they are nice). I do care about cards. I keep them. I look at them and they bring back very nice memories. After my complaining this year about the lack of cards, I get a great one from my sister and I thank her. It is displayed so I can look at it all day. So here is a rather strong hint to all who are related to me – send cards.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all who read my blog.
Another “holiday” that I have ambivalent feelings about it is Mother’s Day. Since my oldest daughter was born the end of May, I felt I missed my first Mother’s Day and was ecstatic the following year to be recognized as a mother. My sister and I always got my mother geraniums because she loved them along with a card. Again I loved the cards my kids made for me. Around 1972, I decided that I didn’t want my children to get me presents but that they should send a donation to NARAL (the National Abortion Rights League) in my name. In those days, NARAL had an ad in the paper on Mother’s Day which expressed my feelings exactly – feelings I have to this day. Children should be wanted and loved. Motherhood is great if that is what a woman wants as I did. However, every woman should have control over her own body and therefore should be able to have legal and safe abortions. I explained this to my children and they agreed with me and for many years, they sent the donations. I still ask them to do that. But I also like cards.
Which brings me to another subject – cards. I love them. I keep them. I send them – real cards not ecards which are not permanent, although I must admit I do send ecards sometimes, especially to people who seem to only send them. I display cards on my mantle and on Christmas/Chanukah on the door. I used to get cards from people for Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Christmas and Chanukah, Mother’s Day but now there are fewer of them. My daughters have received that message and I hint around my birthday and Mother’s Day and now I do get more. I really don’t care about gifts (well, they are nice). I do care about cards. I keep them. I look at them and they bring back very nice memories. After my complaining this year about the lack of cards, I get a great one from my sister and I thank her. It is displayed so I can look at it all day. So here is a rather strong hint to all who are related to me – send cards.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all who read my blog.
Addendum: My mother had a card business (Hallmark) in my dad’s pharmacy. Maybe that is where my love of cards comes from – When you care enough to send the best.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Beginning 2011
Maybe I should have called this Ending 2010. It all started right before my birthday which is November 20. Every year it starts before my birthday. It used to start at Halloween but now I have just about dismissed Halloween from my holidays except I do wear my pumpkin shirt and I often go to the mall to see the children. But nobody comes to our door and, since I no longer teach, I am not exposed to the hordes of treats that are in a school. So, it now all starts around my birthday.
The problem is a long drawn-out binge. I start eating just before my birthday and I don’t end until usually around January 3rd. I also decide that this is vacation time from exercising. For me, this has been a regular part of my existence – eat a lot and don’t exercise from Mid-November until the beginning of January. However, this year was worse.
Last January, 2010, I came back from a wonderful trip to New York and Milwaukee to find out that two friends had died, another had terminal cancer (she died later in the year) and I had blocked arteries requiring four stents. Not a good beginning to a New Year. Following that Bonnie decided we needed a life change and so she started cooking very healthy meals and we went regularly to the gym. We rarely went out to eat, only on special occasions, and even then I ate carefully. We traveled and I ate carefully, not as good as I did at home, but much better than I ever had before. And it paid off. My blood sugar dropped. My blood pressure and cholesterol improved dramatically and I lost 25 pounds. All was going well until mid-November.
Sometime before that, I stopped going to the gym regularly because of severe problems with my back. That pain has been alleviated to a great extent because I had two epidurals – one in late November and one in early December. So I could have started exercising then but I didn’t. And then came the coupons. Birthday gifts from various restaurants we had frequented in the past. Some were for free meals. Others were to buy one, get one free. Others were for free appetizers or free desserts. We took advantage of every one. I celebrated my birthday for at least three weeks and that was a celebration of food.
Then came Chanukah and by this time, I was a goner. This is the first year in maybe three years that we have been home for Christmas. We put up the tree and decorated the apartment. And we went out to eat every day and brought in foods that we enjoy – cheese potato chips, cheese popcorn, Joe’s peppermint cookies, cheese, crackers, candy and more. We had hardly a healthy thing in our house. I even got white bread rather than whole wheat. We also celebrated every Packer football game. Give me a reason and there was a celebration and for me, that means food.
What was the result of this binge? I gained 10 pounds and that is not an exaggeration. I also had some physical reactions which I don’t know if they were related to the food consumption or not. I awoke to go to the bathroom about 4 times a night. I had night sweats and cramping in my feet at night. I hope all these things go away as my food and exercise get back to normal. But I really wonder why I did this. Is it based on past happy experiences? I always ate more during this time but not like this. Is it because we had eaten so well for 10 months that I just “fell off the wagon?” Probably but one would think that having a health scare would be a strong enough incentive for that not to happen. I know my blood sugar is up. My blood pressure is still good. I don’t know about the cholesterol but I will find out at the end of this month. I would hope that next year I will not allow my end-of-the-year binges to take control of my life and that I will be strong enough to resist something I have done throughout my adulthood. But it was fun.
The problem is a long drawn-out binge. I start eating just before my birthday and I don’t end until usually around January 3rd. I also decide that this is vacation time from exercising. For me, this has been a regular part of my existence – eat a lot and don’t exercise from Mid-November until the beginning of January. However, this year was worse.
Last January, 2010, I came back from a wonderful trip to New York and Milwaukee to find out that two friends had died, another had terminal cancer (she died later in the year) and I had blocked arteries requiring four stents. Not a good beginning to a New Year. Following that Bonnie decided we needed a life change and so she started cooking very healthy meals and we went regularly to the gym. We rarely went out to eat, only on special occasions, and even then I ate carefully. We traveled and I ate carefully, not as good as I did at home, but much better than I ever had before. And it paid off. My blood sugar dropped. My blood pressure and cholesterol improved dramatically and I lost 25 pounds. All was going well until mid-November.
Sometime before that, I stopped going to the gym regularly because of severe problems with my back. That pain has been alleviated to a great extent because I had two epidurals – one in late November and one in early December. So I could have started exercising then but I didn’t. And then came the coupons. Birthday gifts from various restaurants we had frequented in the past. Some were for free meals. Others were to buy one, get one free. Others were for free appetizers or free desserts. We took advantage of every one. I celebrated my birthday for at least three weeks and that was a celebration of food.
Then came Chanukah and by this time, I was a goner. This is the first year in maybe three years that we have been home for Christmas. We put up the tree and decorated the apartment. And we went out to eat every day and brought in foods that we enjoy – cheese potato chips, cheese popcorn, Joe’s peppermint cookies, cheese, crackers, candy and more. We had hardly a healthy thing in our house. I even got white bread rather than whole wheat. We also celebrated every Packer football game. Give me a reason and there was a celebration and for me, that means food.
What was the result of this binge? I gained 10 pounds and that is not an exaggeration. I also had some physical reactions which I don’t know if they were related to the food consumption or not. I awoke to go to the bathroom about 4 times a night. I had night sweats and cramping in my feet at night. I hope all these things go away as my food and exercise get back to normal. But I really wonder why I did this. Is it based on past happy experiences? I always ate more during this time but not like this. Is it because we had eaten so well for 10 months that I just “fell off the wagon?” Probably but one would think that having a health scare would be a strong enough incentive for that not to happen. I know my blood sugar is up. My blood pressure is still good. I don’t know about the cholesterol but I will find out at the end of this month. I would hope that next year I will not allow my end-of-the-year binges to take control of my life and that I will be strong enough to resist something I have done throughout my adulthood. But it was fun.
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