Today I started looking at old pictures on my computer. I have had some wonderful trips and seen many places from Halifax to Waikiki. I have been to Paris and some parts of Mexico. I have been to all 50 states including a great trip to Alaska. I have been to the Caribbean. I look at those pictures and I think that was in the past. I have had a wonderful past. But – and there is that word “but” – because of the severe pain, I have trouble seeing much of anything in my future. The epidural should help as they always have but it is not a cure and I can only have one since I had two in November and one can only have 3 in a year.
So what can I do? I read and watch TV and listen to the radio. B has been waiting on me, making all my food, helping me with every possible thing. She is an excellent caregiver but I am not terribly good at letting people help me although I have improved over the years in that area. In July I am going to Milwaukee and then taking my granddaughter to Turks and Caicos. I have to be better. The doctors tell me that the only possible cure is surgery and that is not a positive either. In my later years, surgery has given me complications and so I want to avoid that but it may be my only choice.
I recently read three books about WWII and realized how lucky I was. I was born in 1938 in Milwaukee. I could have been born somewhere in Europe and, since I am Jewish, who knows what could have happened. None of my relatives were in Europe during that time either. The luck of birth. I was also born into a family that loved children and only wanted the best for them. Another stroke of luck. I need to look at all the wonderful things in my life and there are many when something like this happens. And I have many things to look forward to as well. It is just that, at this moment, I seem to just want to wallow and try to deal with this pain until tomorrow when I will have the shot.
